PRODUCTIVE OUTS

(image courtesy of Jeff Sullivan’s The Week In Worst)

I suck a prognosticating, gambling, most things that involve chance, and a whole shitload of other things. That never stops me from trying all of most of those things, and it sure as hell never stops me from spitting out a bunch of projected finishes for baseball teams that play a 162 game schedule, during which, there are entirely too many variables at play to accurately pick where everyone will finish come October.

But I did it again.

And I blew it. Again.

I thought it might be entertaining to see just how hard I blew it (even though it’s only July and there’s even more “blowing it” on the horizon).

These picks originally appeared on hermitology.com.

AL EAST

1. New York 93-65
2. Tampa Bay 90-72
3. Boston 88-74
4. Toronto 82-80
5. Baltimore 72-90

One-for-five (or thereabouts) has been enough to find Jeff Mathis a catching job in the bigs for the better part of five years, so shut your stupid mouth. I don’t think anyone saw the O’s being as good as they’ve been, and this division is volatile as hell anyway. I still think the Yankees win it, but the way the bottom four fall is impossible to predict. From a schadenfreude angle, I hope the Red Sox lose all of the games and Bobby Valentine just keeps trying to find new ways to rub his stupid face.

AL CENTRAL

1. Detroit 90-72
2. Cleveland 80-82
3. Kansas City 80-82
4. Chicago 74-88
5. Minnesota 72-90

In a perfect world, in which the Tigers didn’t poop most of the beds; the Royals didn’t have a dysfunctional Hosmer, a fair share of injuries, and a Jonathan Sanchez that gets to pitch every five days; and guys like Dunn, Rios, Pierzynski, and first-year and totally-inexperienced manager, Robin Ventura didn’t have great first halves, I might have been totally right. The AL Central is like a bowl of oatmeal with two raisins in it. Weird and super boring.

AL WEST

1. Los Angeles 93-69
2. Texas 91-71
3. Oakland 71-91
4. Seattle 68-94

Hey, guess who got super duper overconfident about his favorite team on Earth and then they came out of the gates playing like the Mariners and then thankfully one guy got hurt and the other guy had to go tend to a family member for a few weeks so it got their two best players regular ABs and then the GM probably told Mike Scioscia to stop dicking with the lineup up every night and maybe use relief pitchers according to situations they’re best suited for instead of just having a 7th-inning-guy, an 8th-inning-guy and a closer who is wired like a small dog that a 45-year-old Newport Beach housewife keeps in a purse. I still think the Angels finish atop the AL West. I am still biased as hell. Shut up.

NL EAST

1. Philadelphia 90-72
2. Miami 86-76
3. Atlanta 85-77
4. Washington 82-80
5. New York 76-86

NL CENTRAL

1. Milwaukee 89-73
2. St. Louis 87-75
3. Cincinnati 84-78
4. Pittsburgh 76-86
5. Chicago 73-89
6. Houston 59-103

NL WEST

1. Arizona 87-75
2. San Francisco 85-77
3. Colorado 80-82
4. Los Angeles 78-84
5. San Diego 75-87

No, but seriously…why do I do this? I’m calling it now, the Dodgers are gonna finish at least ten games under .500, the Giants are gonna win the division, and Jim Tracy is gonna manage the Rockies to ~100 losses.

We’ll revisit these in ~80 games. Enjoy the All-Star break.