PRODUCTIVE OUTS

PETE ROSE & JOE MORGAN’S AQUA VELVA COMMERCIAL: THE DIRECTOR’S CUT

Joe Morgan: It’s Pete Rose of the Philadelphia Phillies!

Pete Rose: That’s right, Joe Morgan of the Cincinnati Reds of Major League Baseball. Who the hell d’ya expect? I led off the inning by slappin’ a goddamned single through the 5-6 hole, and I’ve been at first base for the better part of five minutes. What friggin’ game are you watchin’?

Joe Morgan: Uh. Oh, yeah…I- Wait where’s your helmet?

Pete Rose: HELMETS ARE FOR PUSSIES.

Joe Morgan: Gotcha. (sniffs) Are you wearing aftershave?

Pete Rose: You bet your sweet chicken-flappin’ ass I am. 

Joe Morgan: On the baseball field?

Pete Rose: Sure as shit.

Joe Morgan: Why?

Pete Rose: Listen, Joe. You never when or where your next sweet piece of cleat-chasin’ tail is gonna come from, so a big part of my pre-game ritual is to slather up this furry musclebound hustle factory with the finest aftershave available at your local grocery store or pharmacy. I’m just priming the pump for gettin’ knocks, swipin’ bags, slidin’ slides, divin’ dives and what’ll surely be a glorious intrusion of some lucky gal’s sweet crease.

Joe Morgan: A man wants to smell like a man!

Pete Rose: Damn straight. And get his crank wet.

Joe Morgan: Hey, Pete Rose of the Philadelphia Phillies, anyone ever tell you that you look like Captain Cavem-

Pete Rose: Can I sing to you?

Joe Morgan: No. Please, no. 

Pete Rose: THEEERE’S SOMETHIIIING AABOUT AAAN AAAAAAQUA VELVAAAAAA MAAAN!