November 10th, 2012

That’s Not Even A Base, You Goon

Jose Canseco is still trying to shove his ‘roid-infused business back into baseball’s open holes. Namely, the open holes on the Colorado Rockies’ coaching staff, where Canseco’s former Oakland A’s teammate Walt Weiss was named manager last week.

Canseco: /clutching iPhone and fiddling with Camera settings, trying to figure out why the pictures he took of himself in his new Affliction tee are showing up as pictures of himself wearing an noiƚɔilʇʇA tee.

Canseco: /texts former A’s utility infielder Mike Gallego

Canseco: hey Miek whatsup

Gallego: Oh, hey Hosey.

Canseco: yaygo hey bro. listen you talked to weisser about a gig yet/

Gallego: Nah, man. I’m all good. Happy to be in Oakland. We’ve got a solid squad. Had one hell of a year. Ready to do it again next year. Got some young horses.

Canseco: listen bro. you think Weisser might wantana hire me in as a frost base coach next year?

Gallego: Frost base coach? I don’t even … what in God’s name is that?

Canseco: bro I wamt to coach frost base for the Rokies

Gallego: Is that like an undershirt from The North Face or something? I’m not following you here.


July 17th, 2012

An epic showdown took place at Coors Field last night, as Productive Outs’ revered DERP magnate, Jeff Karstens, battled the preeminent purveyor of FLERP, Jeff Francis.

H.R. DERPnSTERP threw seven solid innings, save a mild disaster of a fifth inning, utilizing his full arsenal of derptastic pitches, giving up four runs on six hits before Pirates manager Clint Purple Hurdle pulled him so that Jason Grilli could eventually blow it in the ninth.

The FLERPasaurus had a typical awkward soft-tossing lefty start, as he thumbed his way through five mostly boring innings of one run, six hit ball before giving way to the Rockies bullpen and a newfangled relief troop called the Rex Brothers who vultured a win after blowing their fifth save of the year.

While neither DERP nor FLERP did anything really remarkable or noteworthy, their faces did, including getting together for a few adult sodas after the ballgame.  

Jeff Karstens has a face, you guys. And so does Jeff Francis.

This is a tribute to them and their faces.