March 14th, 2013

Our hero is on the mend and should be ready for the start of the season, according to a report. Clearly his DERP is not in tip-top shape, but it appears to be headed in the right direction with two and a half weeks of Spring Training left.

September 27th, 2012

In case you missed it last night, this might just be my favorite picture of the entire 2012 season.

It only took us 155 games.

Good things come to those who wait.

August 31st, 2012

Productive Outs’ beloved Jeff Karstens had a rough one against the Milwaukee Brewers tonight. DERP Wienerschnitzel only lasted 1/3 of an inning and was tagged for four runs on five hits before he left with a groin injury.

That 1/3 of an inning was rough. Nyjer Morgan doubled, Rickie Weeks singled, Aramis Ramirez to drive them both in, he struck out Ryan Braun, he gave up a two-run home run to one of the cavemen from the GEICO commercials,  Jonathan Lucroy singled and then oh man I can’t do this anymore my bathing suit area hurts hey purple-faced manager guy let’s talk about this OK I’m done.

And that was that.

The Pirates went on to lose 9-3.

Jeff Karstens is injured, but he still has a face.

This is the twenty-first installment of our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.


August 26th, 2012

Jeff Karstens did it all on Saturday night in Pittsburgh, throwing seven scoreless innings and going 1-for-3 at the plate with a run scored and an RBI in a 4-0 shutout of the Milwaukee Brewers.

The DERP was strong in this one, as DERP Vader took his game face to the mound to pick up his fifth win on the season. He scattered seven hits while he punched out four and held the fearsome Brewers lineup (featuring Norichika Aoki and some idiot Canadian dicknise who wrote a song about wearing his sunglasses at night) in check.

He also flashed his skills with the bat, as he slapped poked squibbed flicked doinked cued stroked a single up the middle to score Michael McKenry in the fifth. As evidenced in the linked video and the photo above, it was a beautiful thing: let the front shoulder fly, eliminate weight transfer by having the butt leak, and get full extension before the bat head is through the zone so you end up hitting it off the end of the bat. Textbook.

Unfortunately, Karstens was pulled in the top of the 8th inning due to some stiffness in his groin area, which is fine because we’ve all gotten a NRB (No-Reason-Boner) every now and again. Baseball is exciting. So is being on a field in front of 37,000 screaming fans. I think we can all be thankful that it didn’t happen as he was freeballing in a pair of sweatpants or basketball shorts.

Jeff Karstens has a face, you guys. And it’s multi-talented.

This is the twentieth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.