Lansing Lugnuts - Midwest League
Ian: Oh dear, it appears Little Luggy has had an accident. :’(
Riley: If Luggy is sharting black sludge (and given his facial expression, there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that he’s heavily involved in some gastrointestinal gymnastics), he might want to get checked out for intestinal bleeding. That shit ain’t right. Literally.
Ian: Are we sure this wasn’t a back-of-a-napkin sketch that someone mistakenly used in lieu of that actual logo? Stonehenge-style?
Riley: I think my favorite thing about this logo is that Luggy is actually not a lug nut at all. He’s a goddamned bolt. You’d think the industrious folks of Lansing would know better.
Jamestown Jammers - New York-Penn League
Ian: So, that’s an anthropomorphic bunch of grapes? OK, then.
Riley: I’d like to think this little pile o’ niblets is a cast-off from the Fruit Of The Loom crew, and he’s headed out to beat the piss out of an apple. Wait…and since when has spinach (or kale, or whatever the hell the leafy green guy is) been a fruit?
Ian: The text is so half-assed. Actually, “half-assed” would be a compliment. It’s quarter-assed.
Riley: Yeah, that text is some 20-grade design work, and that’s coming from a 20-grade graphic designer.
Arkansas Travelers - Texas League
Ian: If this didn’t appear in a list of baseball logos, I’d have no idea what it was advertising. Probably a truck stop owned by a guy named Travis who has trouble spelling his own name.
Riley: If you’re trying to pitch the “Greatest Game On Dirt” to the people of Arkansas, you’re doing it wrong. Those people do everything on dirt.
Casper Ghosts - Pioneer League
Ian: This one might actually be completely amazing. They’re located in Casper, Wyoming, and they’re called the Ghosts, because there’s a cartoon ghost named Casper the Friendly Ghost! But this ghost appears to be anything but friendly, and is made of a baseball and Ben-Day dots.
Riley: The skull in this logo is what the NBA’s No. 1 draft pick/New Orleans Hornets starting PF/C Anthony Davis will look like when he’s dead. “Heroes fade, but the unibrow remaaaaaains!" (God, Lars sucks.)
Ian: There are hitters on that team whose bats aren’t as thick as the stroke around that graphic.
Greeneville Astros - Appalachian League
Ian: I … what the hell is going on here?? The city is called Greeneville, but they’ve chose to style it “GreenEville” for some reason I can’t fathom. Is it Evil? Is this a very subtle nod to William Forsythe’s character in Raising Arizona? Are they trying to look “hip” by intercapping, like NeXT? So lost. Sooooo lost.
Riley: I mean, I haven’t spent much time in Greeneville, Tennessee, but I know it’s in the Appalachian foothills and after doing a quick Google image search, uh…they’re beautiful and I can’t believe how lazy the hills in this logo are. They look like a pile of knees for christ’s sake.
Ian: The hills look like lumpy, discarded breast implants.
Riley: And yeah, boobs. /Beavised
Fort Wayne Tin Caps - Midwest League
Ian: Another logo that might actually be awesome. Also, the apple might be criminally insane.
Riley: Welcome to Top Graphic Designer sponsored by the Microsoft family of products. You have ten minutes to design a logo for a minor league baseball team using MS Paint and you are only allowed to use your elbows. Your time begins….NOW.
Ian: I still don’t understand why there’s a branch sticking through the pot. Or why the apple has a butt.
Bristol White Sox - Appalachian League
Ian: If the Jamestown Jammers logo was quarter-assed, then this one is eighth-assed. I could, quite literally, come up with a better logo in under five minutes. And that includes the two minutes it takes for Photoshop to load.
Riley: Sick chest piece, son.
Hickory Crawdads - South Atlantic League
Ian: What’s he holding in his left claw? Is that a transparent baseball?
Riley: It’s a wormhole to another dimension. Like Stargate, but instead of ending up in a land full of Egyptian aliens, you end up in a world full of dopey crustaceans that have been doing Ab Ripper X FOREVER.
Ian: Our mascot is a muscular, alcoholic crustacean. We are the Crawdads!
Riley: If you remove the “crustacean” part, the mascot is from New Jersey.
Kansas City T-Bones - Independent American Association
Ian: I get what they’re trying to do here, but T-Bones? Really? Not very intimidating. I mean, what’s a T-bone gonna do to you — accidentally get lodged in your throat?
Riley: Who needs a shitty independent baseball team when you have the Royals?
Ian: I’m pretty sure those horns are prosthetic. It’s like a toupee for emasculated bulls.
Kane County Cougars - Midwest League
Ian: This looks like it was drawn by someone who has no depth perception.
Riley: I’m kinda ashamed, but I actually owned this hat in high school. There was a cool hat shop (not LIDS) in Costa Mesa, and a friend and I decided we should go there to buy MiLB lids, and I had no depth perception at the time.
Ian: "Too many lines frighten and confuse me! This logo must consist of no more than three lines, and that’s final!"
Asheville Tourists - South Atlantic League
Ian: This bear is ready to play! He’s got his bat, suitcase, camera, and golf shoes. Put him in, coach!
Riley: Don’t mind me. I’m just passing through with three things that no person (or anthropomorphized bear) has ever held on its person in the history of ever. Why yes, Mr. TSA official, I’m just fixin’ to beat someone senseless with this here bat, take a picture of it, and stay a while. WHADDAYA MEAN YER CALLIN’ SKYERRITY?
Ian: I think Ted E. Tourist (that’s the bear’s name) might want to get his right arm checked for fungal infection.
Lake Elsinore Storm - California League
Ian: Because storms have eyes and should be written in vaguely Asian-inspired, illegible characters that look like the logo of a terrible ’80s metal band.
Riley: Fuck you, Riverside.
Modesto A’s - California League
Ian: Your logo is the front half of an elephant with walrus teeth. Or maybe white bananas. I honestly can’t tell what the hell is going on here.
Riley: Cody, pack up your Dell and go. (Top Graphic Designer, Season 4)
Ian: The Cal League, man. SMH.
Tri-City Dust Devils - Northwest League
Ian: We have a winner. Worst logo ever. For anything.
Riley: I love the forced inclusion of a baseball. It’s like, “Lloyd, we love the everlovin’ piss outta this logo, but we just ain’t sure that folks are gonna know we’re an honest ta goodness mahner leagued baseball club. Shit, some folks maht think we’re a galldarn vacuum cumpny er a cumpny that sells Slinkies with poo on ‘em. Put a baseball in therr an make it look like it goin’ fayust, ‘cause we got plenty o’ short season Class-A arms who can throw upwerts of ninety miles an arr.”
Ian: “Just use the WordArt thing in Word for the team name. Then we’ll poorly re-draw the Duke Blue Devils logo and add some hula hoops and a goatee of poo on top. It’s gonna be awesome!”
Orlando Juice - Senior Professional Baseball Association
Ian: Reminds me of some old video game logo. Maybe Contra? Some 8-bit goodness right there.
Riley: Can we stop it with the “juice” and “juicy” bullshit already? Fuck. Look, I don’t want my team to be “juicy”. I don’t want my gossip to be “juicy”. And I sure as fuck don’t want anyone’s ass to be “juicy”. It’s one of my least favorite words in the English language and if it’s used to describe anything other that actual juice, it sends me into conniptions. STOP IT.
Ian: Someone ejaculated a baseball onto this logo right before they sent it to the printer.