PRODUCTIVE OUTS

Lansing Lugnuts - Midwest League

Ian: Oh dear, it appears Little Luggy has had an accident. :’(

Riley: If Luggy is sharting black sludge (and given his facial expression, there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that he’s heavily involved in some gastrointestinal gymnastics), he might want to get checked out for intestinal bleeding. That shit ain’t right. Literally.

Ian: Are we sure this wasn’t a back-of-a-napkin sketch that someone mistakenly used in lieu of that actual logo? Stonehenge-style?

Riley: I think my favorite thing about this logo is that Luggy is actually not a lug nut at all. He’s a goddamned bolt. You’d think the industrious folks of Lansing would know better.

Jamestown Jammers - New York-Penn League

Ian: So, that’s an anthropomorphic bunch of grapes? OK, then.

Riley: I’d like to think this little pile o’ niblets is a cast-off from the Fruit Of The Loom crew, and he’s headed out to beat the piss out of an apple. Wait…and since when has spinach (or kale, or whatever the hell the leafy green guy is) been a fruit?

Ian: The text is so half-assed. Actually, “half-assed” would be a compliment. It’s quarter-assed.

Riley: Yeah, that text is some 20-grade design work, and that’s coming from a 20-grade graphic designer.

Arkansas Travelers - Texas League

Ian: If this didn’t appear in a list of baseball logos, I’d have no idea what it was advertising. Probably a truck stop owned by a guy named Travis who has trouble spelling his own name.

Riley: If you’re trying to pitch the “Greatest Game On Dirt” to the people of Arkansas, you’re doing it wrong. Those people do everything on dirt. 

Casper Ghosts - Pioneer League

Ian: This one might actually be completely amazing. They’re located in Casper, Wyoming, and they’re called the Ghosts, because there’s a cartoon ghost named Casper the Friendly Ghost! But this ghost appears to be anything but friendly, and is made of a baseball and Ben-Day dots.

Riley: The skull in this logo is what the NBA’s No. 1 draft pick/New Orleans Hornets starting PF/C Anthony Davis will look like when he’s dead. “Heroes fade, but the unibrow remaaaaaains!” (God, Lars sucks.) 

Ian: There are hitters on that team whose bats aren’t as thick as the stroke around that graphic.

Greeneville Astros - Appalachian League

Ian: I … what the hell is going on here?? The city is called Greeneville, but they’ve chose to style it “GreenEville” for some reason I can’t fathom. Is it Evil? Is this a very subtle nod to William Forsythe’s character in Raising Arizona? Are they trying to look “hip” by intercapping, like NeXT? So lost. Sooooo lost. 

Riley: I mean, I haven’t spent much time in Greeneville, Tennessee, but I know it’s in the Appalachian foothills and after doing a quick Google image search, uh…they’re beautiful and I can’t believe how lazy the hills in this logo are. They look like a pile of knees for christ’s sake.

Ian: The hills look like lumpy, discarded breast implants. 

Riley: And yeah, boobs. /Beavised

Fort Wayne Tin Caps - Midwest League

Ian: Another logo that might actually be awesome. Also, the apple might be criminally insane.

Riley: Welcome to Top Graphic Designer sponsored by the Microsoft family of products. You have ten minutes to design a logo for a minor league baseball team using MS Paint and you are only allowed to use your elbows. Your time begins….NOW.

Ian: I still don’t understand why there’s a branch sticking through the pot. Or why the apple has a butt.

Bristol White Sox - Appalachian League

Ian: If the Jamestown Jammers logo was quarter-assed, then this one is eighth-assed. I could, quite literally, come up with a better logo in under five minutes. And that includes the two minutes it takes for Photoshop to load.

Riley: Sick chest piece, son.

Hickory Crawdads - South Atlantic League

Ian: What’s he holding in his left claw? Is that a transparent baseball?

Riley: It’s a wormhole to another dimension. Like Stargate, but instead of ending up in a land full of Egyptian aliens, you end up in a world full of dopey crustaceans that have been doing Ab Ripper X FOREVER.

Ian: Our mascot is a muscular, alcoholic crustacean. We are the Crawdads!

Riley: If you remove the “crustacean” part, the mascot is from New Jersey.

Kansas City T-Bones - Independent American Association

Ian: I get what they’re trying to do here, but T-Bones? Really? Not very intimidating. I mean, what’s a T-bone gonna do to you — accidentally get lodged in your throat? 

Riley: Who needs a shitty independent baseball team when you have the Royals?

Ian: I’m pretty sure those horns are prosthetic. It’s like a toupee for emasculated bulls. 

Kane County Cougars - Midwest League

Ian: This looks like it was drawn by someone who has no depth perception.

Riley: I’m kinda ashamed, but I actually owned this hat in high school. There was a cool hat shop (not LIDS) in Costa Mesa, and a friend and I decided we should go there to buy MiLB lids, and I had no depth perception at the time. 

Ian: “Too many lines frighten and confuse me! This logo must consist of no more than three lines, and that’s final!”

Asheville Tourists - South Atlantic League

Ian: This bear is ready to play! He’s got his bat, suitcase, camera, and golf shoes. Put him in, coach!

Riley: Don’t mind me. I’m just passing through with three things that no person (or anthropomorphized bear) has ever held on its person in the history of ever. Why yes, Mr. TSA official, I’m just fixin’ to beat someone senseless with this here bat, take a picture of it, and stay a while. WHADDAYA MEAN YER CALLIN’ SKYERRITY?

Ian: I think Ted E. Tourist (that’s the bear’s name) might want to get his right arm checked for fungal infection. 

Lake Elsinore Storm - California League

Ian: Because storms have eyes and should be written in vaguely Asian-inspired, illegible characters that look like the logo of a terrible ’80s metal band.

Riley: Fuck you, Riverside.

Modesto A’s - California League

Ian: Your logo is the front half of an elephant with walrus teeth. Or maybe white bananas. I honestly can’t tell what the hell is going on here.

Riley: Cody, pack up your Dell and go. (Top Graphic Designer, Season 4)

Ian: The Cal League, man. SMH. 

Tri-City Dust Devils - Northwest League

Ian: We have a winner. Worst logo ever. For anything.

Riley: I love the forced inclusion of a baseball. It’s like, “Lloyd, we love the everlovin’ piss outta this logo, but we just ain’t sure that folks are gonna know we’re an honest ta goodness mahner leagued baseball club. Shit, some folks maht think we’re a galldarn vacuum cumpny er a cumpny that sells Slinkies with poo on ‘em. Put a baseball in therr an make it look like it goin’ fayust, ‘cause we got plenty o’ short season Class-A arms who can throw upwerts of ninety miles an arr.”

Ian: “Just use the WordArt thing in Word for the team name. Then we’ll poorly re-draw the Duke Blue Devils logo and add some hula hoops and a goatee of poo on top. It’s gonna be awesome!” 

Orlando Juice - Senior Professional Baseball Association

Ian: Reminds me of some old video game logo. Maybe Contra? Some 8-bit goodness right there.

Riley: Can we stop it with the “juice” and “juicy” bullshit already? Fuck. Look, I don’t want my team to be “juicy”. I don’t want my gossip to be “juicy”. And I sure as fuck don’t want anyone’s ass to be “juicy”. It’s one of my least favorite words in the English language and if it’s used to describe anything other that actual juice, it sends me into conniptions. STOP IT.

Ian: Someone ejaculated a baseball onto this logo right before they sent it to the printer.

The Internet isn’t just for pornography and spying on your exes anymore. Thanks to advancements in search engine technology, you can use sites like Alta Vista and HotBot to find just about anything your heart desires — instantly! 

Last week, Ian and Riley leveraged the power of “The Web” to search for the worst logos in associated baseball and Nippon Professional Baseball (NPB). Below is their first batch of findings; stay tuned for part 2 next week. 

Norwich Navigators - Eastern League  (1995-2005) 

Ian: I don’t think the graphic itself is all that bad, but the colors are making my eyes vibrate.

Riley: The color palette is dangerously Southwestern — like something you’d see on a crusty comforter at a Days Inn in Albuquerque, which is totally fitting because Norwich is in Connecticut.

Ian: The logo is also terrible. It looks like something a way-too-chipper greeting-card illustrator came up with. On the other hand, the wiggling tail or octopus arm on the “R” is just disturbing. I’d like to see the folks at Quantico come up with a psychological profile on the artist.

Riley: Behold, the world’s shittiest sea captain…

Captain: DAGNABBIT, MAH TELLERSCROPES IS BROKENT!

First Mate: Sir, that’s a baseball bat.

Captain: WAT

Ian: AHHH! I didn’t even realize that he was jamming a baseball bat into his eye! OK, I take back what I said earlier. That is fucking awful. 

Riley: Continued…

Captain: It’s awfully dark out there. Perhaps we should wait to set sail until daybreak.

First Mate: Sir, it’s a bat.

Captain: HORSEFEATHERS!

Daytona Cubs - Florida State League

Ian: Looks like a super half-assed version on Poochie. Also, it’s a good thing they included the “TM,” because I’m sure all kinds of people were planning on stealing this for illicit use.

Riley: That cub has Placido Polanco Syndrome. 

Ian: “Your search - encephalopathic bear - did not match any documents.”

Normal CornBelters - Frontier League

Ian: Would love to read the creative brief for this one. “To capture the competitive nature of our ballclub, our logo should feature a myopic ear of corn with a massive hangover.”

Riley: This one just missed the cut…

Midland RockHounds - Texas League

Ian: This is one of those logos that gets worse the longer you look at it. At first you’re like, “OK, hard-working, lunchpail-toting dog, that’s a decent mascot.” Then you look closer and you’re like “Where the fuck is the rest of the dog’s body supposed to be? This is actually pretty disturbing.” And clearly the dog’s hand was added in at the last minute by someone else entirely — look at the poorly drawn rhomboid baseball and the sun dial of a watch. Ugh. I can’t look at it anymore.

Riley: I’m with you on that. It’s the lack of a lower body, the M presumably cutting the circulation off in that poor dog’s head, the implied ball-shoving reach-around the dog is giving to the M, the colors, the fact that Midland is a dump, that they’re an affiliate of the Oakland A’s, that they have promos like this, that they have a mascot that looks like this, that they have hats that look like this (The poor dog is getting violated by the alphabet!), that…uh, I’ve gotta stop.

Chunichi Dragons - NPB

Ian: I’d rather retire from baseball than wear a piece of gear with this on it. How is that even remotely a dragon? That’s too shitty even to be an Olympic mascot. 

Riley: This is one of those optical illusion things, right? Like, at first it’s a sperm with a rowdy cowlick and a broken tail, and then it’s a smurf’s nose, and then you look at it backwards and WHOA, it’s a retarded seahorse with elephant ears. Deep.

Seibu Lions - NPB (2006)

Ian: Slogan! We need one. Exclamation points! Are exciting. 

Riley: Is it just me, or does this just look like a screen cap from the Japanese version of Bases Loaded (Moero!! Pro Yakyuu) for NES? That game was released in 1986 for fuck’s sake. Am I really supposed to believe that twenty years later, it became the official logo for a professional baseball team from a country that is one of the world leaders in technology? Does not compute.

Ian: You’re the goddamn Seibu Lions. King of the jungle. Apex predator. Fucking act like it.

Baskersfield Blaze - California League

Ian: “See, bro, it’s the BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAZE, right? So I just did like 16 maaaaaaaaassive bong rips and this is what I came up with! I feel like it captures captures the aura of the team, y’know?”

Riley: From the city that brought you KoRn…

Ian: Being a stoner does not excuse you from maintaining basic design conventions. This is just an abomination. 

Kannapolis Intimidators - Sally League

Ian: The list of “Things That Are Intimidating” does not include “anthropomorphic capital K.” There is literally nothing intimidating about that. Even with weird fangs and claws. If I saw that in real life I might cross the street to avoid it, but it’s not even remotely intimidating, it’s just creepy.

Riley: The Kannapolis Intimidators are a Low-A affiliate of the Chicago White Sox (whose prospects ranked 30th out of 30 in Baseball Prospectus’  2012 Organizational Rankings) that is eleven games under .500. Let’s cut the shit, folks. There’s no intimidation happening here.

Vermont Mariners and Vermont Reds - Eastern League, 1988 and 1984, respectively 

Ian: We’re from Vermont and we’re a farm team for the Reds or the Mariners. We’re also incredibly fucking lazy.

Riley: Proof that regression exists in the world of logos too.

Ian: At least they attempted to make the stitching look decent on the Reds version. Look at the Mariners one! There are just these random dots. It looks like a scatter-plot or something. Horrible.

Riley: From the “laboratory” of the Vermont Whatevers hired graphic design team…

Some Guy In Cargo Shorts And Teva Sandals: Aw, man…we’re a Mariners affiliate now?

Guy With Weed And Maple Syrup Stuck In His Beard: Yeah. Gotta change the logo…I guess.

SMGICSATS: Fuuuuuu (bong rip)

GWWAMSSIHB: Just use the old file and make it blue.

SMGICSATS: Dude, they’ll know. They’ll totally know.

GWWAMSSIHB: But the deadline’s in 10 minutes and that Phish show starts in an hour, man.

SMGICSATS: K. K. OK. Uhh…

GWWAMSSIHB: Make the thing blue, change the font, and BOOM we’re done and rocking out to “Bouncing Around The Room” in like moments, man. Literally moments.

SMGICSATS: OK. OK. Uhhh, fuckin’ Helvetica…gotta keep the white line going throooough…

GWWAMSSIHB: Man, we got in two minutes.

SMGICSATS: Yeah, yeah…fuck…uh… (bong rip) FUCK. It looks the same, man.

GWWAMSSIHB: Whatever. Just dick with the laces or something. One minute and counting…

SMGICSATS: Soooo high right now. OK. OK. Laces…

Montgomery Biscuits - Southern League (2009)

Riley: Yes, sir. The naming board vetoed 23,897 other ideas before Biscuits eeked out Gunts by a two-vote margin.   

Ian: I actually thought this was a sentient stack of pancakes at first, even though I knew there was a minor league team called the Biscuits. This is a perfect example of trying too hard to tie in local commerce to your ballclub. There’s a Hyundai plant in Montgomery — maybe they should change the name to the Montgomery Elantras. (They still make the Elantra, right?)

Riley: They sure do. I took the liberty of designing a Montgomery Elantras logo (circa 2009), while trying to keep some elements of the aesthetic they appeared to be shooting for with the biscuit.