PRODUCTIVE OUTS

He hit the pissfarts out of a baseball.

THREE TRUE OUTCOMES!

Anyway … 

This is Mark Reynolds’ solo blast off of Jarrod Parker yesterday.

The pitch: A letter-high, 94-mph two-seamer right down the heart of the dish.

The swing: Eh, it’s on the awkward side, but it’s awfully effective. Chalk that up to his otherworldly HULK STRENGTH (especially in his lower half … HULK BUTT*?). I’m not a huge fan of the toe tap, because it’s a timing mechanism that can send several other parts of the swing awry when it’s not clicking. His left arm, bat plane and finish make it look like he’s casting a table cloth over a dining room table or throwing a frisbee, but HULK STRENGTH has the power to overcome wonky mechanics every now and then.

*It might sound weird, but I have a strong desire to see Mark Reynolds in shorts.

The velocity off the bat: 112.7 mph

The elevation angle: 28.7º

True distance: 457 feet

The verdict: He pimped the shit outta this blast*. Parker dosed Reynolds in his first AB, Reynolds was not pleased about it, and instead of charging the mound like a nameless steakheaded ogre from San Diego, he decided to settle the score like a man and hit the piss out of a baseball. A safe and effective alternative to player-on-player violence.

*It took Reynolds nearly 26 seconds to round the bases.

This is Miguel Cabrera’s solo shot off of Jose Cisnero yesterday.

The pitch: A 1-0, 79-mph, get-me-over curveball that hung for so you’d think it was sitting on a tee adjusted to lower thigh-level.

The swing: So frustratingly pretty, controlled and effective. He’s so freaking serene as the pitch is released. (It’s probably fairly easy to exude that sort of confidence when you have the ability to make playing an extremely difficult game look laughably easy.) It’s beautiful; a conservative little load, an efficient stride, a slight hitch of the hands before the left foot gets down, and holy crap … once that front foot gets down, just watch his freaking hands. That is 100% pure, uncut swingpr0n. And mmm, that extension and high finish. ‘Tis a glorious sight.  My favorite thing is that after all of this beauty and baseball destruction, Cabrera is just like, “Hmph. Crushed another one,” on his way to going 4-for-4 with 6 RBI.

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE.

The velocity off the bat: 105.6 mph

The elevation angle: 26.3º

True distance: 412 feet

The verdict: You might be wondering why I picked a bomb that was only hit 412 feet, in a band box of a ballpark, against a pitching staff that is awful at best. The answer to that, is the ease with which Cabrera does this. Sure, he can make fielding, running and staying out of trouble look difficult at times, but this is ridiculous. It’s even more ridiculous because he catches this pus off the end of the bat and still hits a laser off the Crawford Boxes.