PRODUCTIVE OUTS

This is Miguel Cabrera’s solo shot off of Jose Cisnero yesterday.

The pitch: A 1-0, 79-mph, get-me-over curveball that hung for so you’d think it was sitting on a tee adjusted to lower thigh-level.

The swing: So frustratingly pretty, controlled and effective. He’s so freaking serene as the pitch is released. (It’s probably fairly easy to exude that sort of confidence when you have the ability to make playing an extremely difficult game look laughably easy.) It’s beautiful; a conservative little load, an efficient stride, a slight hitch of the hands before the left foot gets down, and holy crap … once that front foot gets down, just watch his freaking hands. That is 100% pure, uncut swingpr0n. And mmm, that extension and high finish. ‘Tis a glorious sight.  My favorite thing is that after all of this beauty and baseball destruction, Cabrera is just like, “Hmph. Crushed another one,” on his way to going 4-for-4 with 6 RBI.

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE.

The velocity off the bat: 105.6 mph

The elevation angle: 26.3º

True distance: 412 feet

The verdict: You might be wondering why I picked a bomb that was only hit 412 feet, in a band box of a ballpark, against a pitching staff that is awful at best. The answer to that, is the ease with which Cabrera does this. Sure, he can make fielding, running and staying out of trouble look difficult at times, but this is ridiculous. It’s even more ridiculous because he catches this pus off the end of the bat and still hits a laser off the Crawford Boxes.

This is Matt Holliday’s two-run blast off of Kyle Lohse yesterday.

The pitch: A 2-2, 93-mph Lohsian flat-brimmed sinker that ended up sitting middle-in and knee-high (which is not exactly the spot you want a pitch to end up when you’re facing a guy who looks like a ginormous real-life version of those old M.U.S.C.L.E figurines from the 80s.)

The swing: The thing I’m most fascinated by here (aside from the ungodly Home Run Tracker details you’re about to see) is this … 

That’s gorgeous. Firm front-side, great balance, beautiful extension, the right hand punching the inner-half of that ball, the head still and seeing it all and HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS GODDAMN ARMS.

Look at the size of all of him, actually. He’s like the pale Hulk. 

“The Pale Hulk”. That’s got a nice ring to it, no? Better than “Big Daddy”?

The velocity off the bat: 111.9 mph

The elevation angle: 22.9º

True distance: 458 feet*

*I guessed 460+. I figured a ball hit that hard, that bounced (hard, mind you) off the jumbotron signage at this point … 

… above a wall that is 400 feet from homeplate might have had a little more than a 458-foot jaunt in it’s flight plan, but I won’t argue with math.

Also, that baseball is dead.

The verdict: I love it when a hitter turns on one and hits to the pull field, but there is no swingpr0n that makes me more excited than seeing a guy stay back on a pitch, and crush the absolute shit out of it (420+) to dead center or the opposite field. This is indeed that. It’s freaky, rare, raw, stupid and goddamned incredible.