As promised: Craig Goldstein's "Baseball Teams and the Art They Embody"

December 19th, 2012

teenarcher

Some of these may have been made up.

Baltimore Orioles - Regressionism (heavily influenced by artists of the anti-run differentialism era)
Boston Red Sox - Post-Modern Reconstructivism (heavily influenced by the later works of VICTORION)
New York Yankees - Old Masters
Tampa Bay Rays - Socialist Realism (benefit from revenue sharing, but a very real threat on the field)
Toronto Blue Jays - Kitchen Sink Art

Atlanta Braves - Neoclassical Art (implies a return to classical (re)sources, a la the tv money they’re earning relative to everyone else)
Miami Marlins - Minimalism. (Enough said)
New York Mets - Baroque (they don’t gots no moneys, fool)
Philadelphia Phillies - Premature-Extensionism (it was a period in art heavily influenced by regret)
Washington Nationals - Carolingian Art (revival (of art) after a dark period)

Chicago White Sox - Brutalism (in which no attempt is made to disguise the building materials used)
Cleveland Indians - Plein Air Art (they’ve got that going for them, which is nice)
Detroit Tigers - Fuckitism (Influenced by patron saint Joel Goodsen)
Kansas City Royals - The Process Movement (Cult Movement. Concerning)
Minnesota Twins - Whiteism (Like those paintings where it’s a polar bear with a white nose and closed eyes in a snowstorm. Their only projected non-white regular is Pedro Florimon, Jr depending on what you think of Darin Mastroianni)

Chicago Cubs - Futurism (definition: Futurism exalted the dynamism of the modern world, especially its science and technology. Makes sense. Also considered: Theoism)
Cincinnati Reds - Sandlerism (Red Hooded Sweatshirt)
Milwaukee Brewers - German Renaissance Art (a renaissance of beer and brats)
Pittsburgh Pirates - Post-season dadaism (a revolt against the post-season culture that preoccupies the rest of mlb)
St. Louis Cardinals - Spirit(animal)-ualism (heavily influenced by Leitch)

Houston Astros - Divisionism
Los Angeles Angels - Regionalism (works on many levels -
Oakland Athletics - Mannerism w/hint of minimalism. (Mannerism is known for it’s anti-classical style)
Seattle Mariners - Existentialism (alienation and angst in the face of the human condition)
Texas Rangers - Nolanism (influences include headlocks, wrasslin’ and meat)

Arizona Diamondbacks - Avant-Garde Alienationism (the art of finding your reason for success and disparaging it constantly)
Colorado Rockies - Assemblage Art (see also, Junk Art)
Los Angeles Dodgers - Post-Modern Consumerism (strong Steinbrenner influences). Also dabble in Surrealism.
San Diego Padres - Yachtism
San Francisco Giants - Humanism (A cultural and philosophical movement of the Italian Renaissance, focusing on the capabilities of human beings as opposed to the abstract concepts and problems of science or theology)