May 5th, 2013

Miguel Cabrera Is A … Whatever, Just Watch This

This is Miguel Cabrera’s solo shot off of Jose Cisnero yesterday.


The pitch: A 1-0, 79-mph, get-me-over curveball that hung for so you’d think it was sitting on a tee adjusted to lower thigh-level.

The swing: So frustratingly pretty, controlled and effective. He’s so freaking serene as the pitch is released. (It’s probably fairly easy to exude that sort of confidence when you have the ability to make playing an extremely difficult game look laughably easy.) It’s beautiful; a conservative little load, an efficient stride, a slight hitch of the hands before the left foot gets down, and holy crap … once that front foot gets down, just watch his freaking hands. That is 100% pure, uncut swingpr0n. And mmm, that extension and high finish. ‘Tis a glorious sight.  My favorite thing is that after all of this beauty and baseball destruction, Cabrera is just like, “Hmph. Crushed another one,” on his way to going 4-for-4 with 6 RBI.


The velocity off the bat: 105.6 mph

The elevation angle: 26.3º

True distance: 412 feet

The verdict: You might be wondering why I picked a bomb that was only hit 412 feet, in a band box of a ballpark, against a pitching staff that is awful at best. The answer to that, is the ease with which Cabrera does this. Sure, he can make fielding, running and staying out of trouble look difficult at times, but this is ridiculous. It’s even more ridiculous because he catches this pus off the end of the bat and still hits a laser off the Crawford Boxes.

April 25th, 2013

Chris Carter Is A Quiet Assassin (Of Baseballs)

This is Chris Carter’s solo shot off of Joe Saunders yesterday. 


The pitch: A 3-2, letter-high. 89.7 mph two-seamer.

The swing: Beautifully boring. He’s incredibly quiet at the dish, has no stride, loads by getting up on his front toe, and then … BAM! MAN STRENGTH. It’s freakish. The GIF doesn’t nearly do it justice. Watch this. And listen to the sound of that baseball getting obliterated.

(No, really … watch it. Now. We’ll wait.)

Welcome back. That was amazing, wasn’t it? 

Now to the numbers!

The velocity off the bat: 104.4 mph

(We saw tweets saying it might have been 111 mph, and are leaning toward the higher of the two numbers because holy crap.)

The elevation angle: 35.2º

“True” distance: 399 ft

(*That’s a giant pile of horseshit. Maybe the lights above the train tracks that rudely interrupted the ball’s direct flight to Oklahoma City were 399 feet away, but that ball was headed 450+. Easily.)

The verdict: Chris Carter straight up broke ESPN’s Home Run Tracker. Astros Director of Pro Scouting Kevin Goldstein said that the team’s Trackman system had the blast at 460 feet, but added that it also lost track of the trajectory of the ball. ESPN’s tracker just gave up and took some of the afternoon off (as evidenced by it’s data on Todd Frazier’s massive bomb yesterday in Cincinnati).

We salute you and your boring ManStrength™, Chris Carter. 

August 24th, 2012
 I’m fine with Roger Clemens pitching for the Astros but he has to have Jose Altuve hanging off his back at the time. — Matt Sussman (@suss2hyphens) August 24, 2012 We’re fine with it too. We just hope it looks just like this.

We’re fine with it too. We just hope it looks just like this.

August 20th, 2012

The Houston AstrLOLs GIF: What You Might Not Have Noticed

You’ve probably seen this GIF a few times by now. If you’re like me, you have the image URL bookmarked, click on it (almost) every morning, blow it up nice and big in a Google Chrome window, stare at it for three minutes or so, hum “Yakety Sax”, chuckle, and feel less bad about the time you walked face-first into that sliding glass door at that house party.

I’ve probably watched it over 1000 times. As I type now, it’s running on a loop above this text. I can’t look away.

Somewhere around viewing #783, I noticed something.

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Two musicians who love baseball, but don't take it too seriously.


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