Our favorite human being, Jeff Karstens (AKA “River Wizard” WTF), made his triumphant return to the diamond last night in Philadelphia as he faced off against the Phillies and some squishy adult baby named Joe Blanton. Mayor McDerp had a rough outing, giving up six earned runs on eleven hits hits through five innings of work, while his Pirates teammates pretended that they’d forgotten how to throw and catch, and Pedro Alvarez be’d Pedro Alvarez.

Karstens and his face looked to be in phenomenal shape towards the end of his rehab stint last week, but last night’s return to game action was nothing but a disappointment. We’re hoping his DERPability isn’t regressing to the mean.

Even when he’s not on top of his game, Jeff Karstens still has a face, you guys.

This is the thirteenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

(CILCK TEH PIC FOR ANUTHER SCEPTACULER SLIEDSHWE OF JEFD KRASTENCE!)

***BREAKING*** SOMETHING HAS GONE TERRIBLY WRONG

Jeff Karstens was pulled from last night’s after just one inning due to something the Pirates are calling “shoulder inflammation”. We here at Productive Outs are obviously not doctors, but after conducting a series of independent tests with our Tandy® DigiOptical PhotoComb™ and running the data we’ve collected through our new Realistic® Hyperspecious Derptrometer, we’ve surmised that he’s out with (what they refer to in the biz as) “a face” and will be placed on the 15-Day DL.

Jeff Karstens still has a face, you guys. Even if it’s on the DL.

This is the twelfth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

(Click the pic for A VARY BREEF AN SAD SLYDISHOWZ)

Pittsburgh Pirates right-hander and first ballot inductee into The Hall of Jeffs, Jeff Karstens, brought his game face to last night’s game against Magic Johnson’s shiny new toy at Chavez Ravine last night. Unfortunately, he left his game arm at home. Mayor McDerp pitched five innings, walking one and fanning three, while surrendering three earned runs on seven hits in the Pirates’ 3-2 loss. Matt Kemp continued to be frighteningly good at baseball,  James Loney’s quest to smash Bill Bergen’s consecutive hitless at-bats streak was thwarted by a seeing eye single in the 5-6 hole, and Javy Guerra is on pace to save 147 games this season.

But far more important than any of that big ol’ pile of horesefeathers is that…

Jeff Karstens still has a face.

This is the eleventh installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

(Click the pic for a SCEPTACULER SLIEDSHWE)

Our favorite human being, Jeff Karstens, faced off against the Phillies and some Chinese guy named Cliff Lee in Pittsburgh last night, and pitched six strong innings, giving up one earned run on five hits, with a walk and two punch outs. Both teams tried really hard to not score any runs so that they could just stay tied at one and play baseball forever,  but Alex Presley screwed it all up by hitting a walkoff infield single and making everybody go home.

But the most important takeaway from last night’s game was that…

Jeff Karstens still has a face.

This is the tenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

(Click the pic for a SLIDSHOEW)

JEFF KARSTENS IS NOT AMUSED.

(click pics to embiggen)