Jeff Karstens is back, and AP photographers were savvy enough to capture proof. After a few weeks of ZERO photographic proof of the presence of DERP in Karstens starts, two beautifully DERPy photos were yesterday. DERPasaurus Jeff threw seven innings, and gave up two runs on two hits, struck out four, before he left with the score knotted at 2-2. 

The Pirates and Cards were actually having so much fun doing nothing that they decided to play for six hours, until the Pirates realized that they had a flight to catch to San Diego, and that spending a Sunday night hanging out in one of the best cities in the world was probably gonna be more fun than watching Adam Wainwright pinch hit, and eventually seeing some dopey position player (probably Skip Schumaker) throw 81 mph and get shelled in the 31st inning. So, Pedro Alvarez hit a bomb and Andrew McCutchen did an Andrew McCutchen-like thing to break the tie in the top of the 19th and put the Pirates ahead for good, and everyone went home because boring.

Jeff Karstens has a face, you guys, even if AP photogs are often too mesmerized by it to capture still images of it’s glory. 

This is the nineteenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

DERP magnate Jeff Karstens fell just short of his fifth quality start of the year, giving up four runs on six hits through five innings of work against that disaster of a team from Houston with Jose Altuve and 24 other guys you’ve never heard of on it. The “River Wizard” got his DERPy little tits lit a bit, giving up bombs to Nondescript White Baseball Player XXIII and some guy who has apparently been Francisco for thirty years. The Pirates managed to battle back and take the lead for good in the top of the ninth when Druice Hutton scored on a wild pitch. Joel Hanrahan came in and shut the door for his 31st save, giving the Pirates their eighth win in their last ten games.

The Astros also honored television star Kelsey Grammer former pitcher Mike Scott by having him shot put a solid gold baseball in sandals and cargo shorts while the crowd of 24,685 wondered what he was keeping in all those pockets.

Jeff Karstens might not have been on top of his game, but his face was.

This is the eighteenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

Jeff Karstens, the godfather of DERP and a reliable starting pitcher for the first place (!) Pittsburgh Pirates pitched his face ass off last night in a 2-0 win over the Oklahoma City Redhawks Houston Astros. Mayor McDERP threw eight scoreless innings, giving up four hits, while walking one and striking out eight. He also brought his game face to the dish last night, as he sprayed his first base hit of the season into right field and and scored on a sacrifice fly by Garrett Jones. But more important than being in first place and wins and losses and scoreless innings and first hits of the year and important runs scored, was the incredible display of DERP at PNC Park last night. 70-to-80 grade DERP. Flashes of Elite DERP. A reminder that this man, this visage, is a generational talent in the prime of his career.

WE ARE ALL WITNESSES.

Jeff Karstens has a face, you guys, and it might just be in the best shape of its life.

This is the fifteenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

(JEFF KARSTAIN SLIEDSHOE IS A VAILABLE BY CLICKIGN THE PITCHER)

Jeff Karstens (our favorite MLB pitcher who looks exactly like 70s TV hunk Randolph Mantooth mid-sneeze) is back! After a disappointing return from the disabled list last week against the Phillies, The River Wizard bounced back yesterday afternoon in St. Louis with a quality start (7 IP, 2 ER, 4 H, 2 BB, 7 K) in the Pirates’ 7-3 win. ‘Twas a gorious Karstivus indeed.

More important than Karstens’ line from yesterday’s game, is that his DERP—which we’d feared had begun to regress—appears to be as strong as it ever was (as evidenced in picture #3, in which he looks like a youthful Gene Simmons shitting a watermelon covered in sandpaper).

Jeff Karstens’ face is back, you guys.

This is the fourteenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

(GOT SLIDSESHOW? CLIK IN TEH PITCHER OF JEF F KARSTIN FOR ON!)