An epic showdown took place at Coors Field last night, as Productive Outs’ revered DERP magnate, Jeff Karstens, battled the preeminent purveyor of FLERP, Jeff Francis.

H.R. DERPnSTERP threw seven solid innings, save a mild disaster of a fifth inning, utilizing his full arsenal of derptastic pitches, giving up four runs on six hits before Pirates manager Clint Purple Hurdle pulled him so that Jason Grilli could eventually blow it in the ninth.

The FLERPasaurus had a typical awkward soft-tossing lefty start, as he thumbed his way through five mostly boring innings of one run, six hit ball before giving way to the Rockies bullpen and a newfangled relief troop called the Rex Brothers who vultured a win after blowing their fifth save of the year.

While neither DERP nor FLERP did anything really remarkable or noteworthy, their faces did, including getting together for a few adult sodas after the ballgame.  

Jeff Karstens has a face, you guys. And so does Jeff Francis.

This is a tribute to them and their faces.

CLIK TEH PICUTRE A BOVE TO SEA A BREATHETAKIGN SLIDSHPW OF CARSTAINS & FARNCS

Jeff Karstens, the godfather of DERP and a reliable starting pitcher for the first place (!) Pittsburgh Pirates pitched his face ass off last night in a 2-0 win over the Oklahoma City Redhawks Houston Astros. Mayor McDERP threw eight scoreless innings, giving up four hits, while walking one and striking out eight. He also brought his game face to the dish last night, as he sprayed his first base hit of the season into right field and and scored on a sacrifice fly by Garrett Jones. But more important than being in first place and wins and losses and scoreless innings and first hits of the year and important runs scored, was the incredible display of DERP at PNC Park last night. 70-to-80 grade DERP. Flashes of Elite DERP. A reminder that this man, this visage, is a generational talent in the prime of his career.

WE ARE ALL WITNESSES.

Jeff Karstens has a face, you guys, and it might just be in the best shape of its life.

This is the fifteenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

(JEFF KARSTAIN SLIEDSHOE IS A VAILABLE BY CLICKIGN THE PITCHER)

Jeff Karstens (our favorite MLB pitcher who looks exactly like 70s TV hunk Randolph Mantooth mid-sneeze) is back! After a disappointing return from the disabled list last week against the Phillies, The River Wizard bounced back yesterday afternoon in St. Louis with a quality start (7 IP, 2 ER, 4 H, 2 BB, 7 K) in the Pirates’ 7-3 win. ‘Twas a gorious Karstivus indeed.

More important than Karstens’ line from yesterday’s game, is that his DERP—which we’d feared had begun to regress—appears to be as strong as it ever was (as evidenced in picture #3, in which he looks like a youthful Gene Simmons shitting a watermelon covered in sandpaper).

Jeff Karstens’ face is back, you guys.

This is the fourteenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

(GOT SLIDSESHOW? CLIK IN TEH PITCHER OF JEF F KARSTIN FOR ON!)

Our favorite human being, Jeff Karstens (AKA “River Wizard” WTF), made his triumphant return to the diamond last night in Philadelphia as he faced off against the Phillies and some squishy adult baby named Joe Blanton. Mayor McDerp had a rough outing, giving up six earned runs on eleven hits hits through five innings of work, while his Pirates teammates pretended that they’d forgotten how to throw and catch, and Pedro Alvarez be’d Pedro Alvarez.

Karstens and his face looked to be in phenomenal shape towards the end of his rehab stint last week, but last night’s return to game action was nothing but a disappointment. We’re hoping his DERPability isn’t regressing to the mean.

Even when he’s not on top of his game, Jeff Karstens still has a face, you guys.

This is the thirteenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

(CILCK TEH PIC FOR ANUTHER SCEPTACULER SLIEDSHWE OF JEFD KRASTENCE!)