The Internet isn’t just for pornography and spying on your exes anymore. Thanks to advancements in search engine technology, you can use sites like Alta Vista and HotBot to find just about anything your heart desires — instantly! 

Last week, Ian and Riley leveraged the power of “The Web” to search for the worst logos in associated baseball and Nippon Professional Baseball (NPB). Below is their first batch of findings; stay tuned for part 2 next week. 

Norwich Navigators - Eastern League  (1995-2005) 

Ian: I don’t think the graphic itself is all that bad, but the colors are making my eyes vibrate.

Riley: The color palette is dangerously Southwestern — like something you’d see on a crusty comforter at a Days Inn in Albuquerque, which is totally fitting because Norwich is in Connecticut.

Ian: The logo is also terrible. It looks like something a way-too-chipper greeting-card illustrator came up with. On the other hand, the wiggling tail or octopus arm on the “R” is just disturbing. I’d like to see the folks at Quantico come up with a psychological profile on the artist.

Riley: Behold, the world’s shittiest sea captain…

Captain: DAGNABBIT, MAH TELLERSCROPES IS BROKENT!

First Mate: Sir, that’s a baseball bat.

Captain: WAT

Ian: AHHH! I didn’t even realize that he was jamming a baseball bat into his eye! OK, I take back what I said earlier. That is fucking awful. 

Riley: Continued…

Captain: It’s awfully dark out there. Perhaps we should wait to set sail until daybreak.

First Mate: Sir, it’s a bat.

Captain: HORSEFEATHERS!

Daytona Cubs - Florida State League

Ian: Looks like a super half-assed version on Poochie. Also, it’s a good thing they included the “TM,” because I’m sure all kinds of people were planning on stealing this for illicit use.

Riley: That cub has Placido Polanco Syndrome. 

Ian: “Your search - encephalopathic bear - did not match any documents.”

Normal CornBelters - Frontier League

Ian: Would love to read the creative brief for this one. “To capture the competitive nature of our ballclub, our logo should feature a myopic ear of corn with a massive hangover.”

Riley: This one just missed the cut…

Midland RockHounds - Texas League

Ian: This is one of those logos that gets worse the longer you look at it. At first you’re like, “OK, hard-working, lunchpail-toting dog, that’s a decent mascot.” Then you look closer and you’re like “Where the fuck is the rest of the dog’s body supposed to be? This is actually pretty disturbing.” And clearly the dog’s hand was added in at the last minute by someone else entirely — look at the poorly drawn rhomboid baseball and the sun dial of a watch. Ugh. I can’t look at it anymore.

Riley: I’m with you on that. It’s the lack of a lower body, the M presumably cutting the circulation off in that poor dog’s head, the implied ball-shoving reach-around the dog is giving to the M, the colors, the fact that Midland is a dump, that they’re an affiliate of the Oakland A’s, that they have promos like this, that they have a mascot that looks like this, that they have hats that look like this (The poor dog is getting violated by the alphabet!), that…uh, I’ve gotta stop.

Chunichi Dragons - NPB

Ian: I’d rather retire from baseball than wear a piece of gear with this on it. How is that even remotely a dragon? That’s too shitty even to be an Olympic mascot. 

Riley: This is one of those optical illusion things, right? Like, at first it’s a sperm with a rowdy cowlick and a broken tail, and then it’s a smurf’s nose, and then you look at it backwards and WHOA, it’s a retarded seahorse with elephant ears. Deep.

Seibu Lions - NPB (2006)

Ian: Slogan! We need one. Exclamation points! Are exciting. 

Riley: Is it just me, or does this just look like a screen cap from the Japanese version of Bases Loaded (Moero!! Pro Yakyuu) for NES? That game was released in 1986 for fuck’s sake. Am I really supposed to believe that twenty years later, it became the official logo for a professional baseball team from a country that is one of the world leaders in technology? Does not compute.

Ian: You’re the goddamn Seibu Lions. King of the jungle. Apex predator. Fucking act like it.

Baskersfield Blaze - California League

Ian: “See, bro, it’s the BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAZE, right? So I just did like 16 maaaaaaaaassive bong rips and this is what I came up with! I feel like it captures captures the aura of the team, y’know?”

Riley: From the city that brought you KoRn…

Ian: Being a stoner does not excuse you from maintaining basic design conventions. This is just an abomination. 

Kannapolis Intimidators - Sally League

Ian: The list of “Things That Are Intimidating” does not include “anthropomorphic capital K.” There is literally nothing intimidating about that. Even with weird fangs and claws. If I saw that in real life I might cross the street to avoid it, but it’s not even remotely intimidating, it’s just creepy.

Riley: The Kannapolis Intimidators are a Low-A affiliate of the Chicago White Sox (whose prospects ranked 30th out of 30 in Baseball Prospectus’  2012 Organizational Rankings) that is eleven games under .500. Let’s cut the shit, folks. There’s no intimidation happening here.

Vermont Mariners and Vermont Reds - Eastern League, 1988 and 1984, respectively 

Ian: We’re from Vermont and we’re a farm team for the Reds or the Mariners. We’re also incredibly fucking lazy.

Riley: Proof that regression exists in the world of logos too.

Ian: At least they attempted to make the stitching look decent on the Reds version. Look at the Mariners one! There are just these random dots. It looks like a scatter-plot or something. Horrible.

Riley: From the “laboratory” of the Vermont Whatevers hired graphic design team…

Some Guy In Cargo Shorts And Teva Sandals: Aw, man…we’re a Mariners affiliate now?

Guy With Weed And Maple Syrup Stuck In His Beard: Yeah. Gotta change the logo…I guess.

SMGICSATS: Fuuuuuu (bong rip)

GWWAMSSIHB: Just use the old file and make it blue.

SMGICSATS: Dude, they’ll know. They’ll totally know.

GWWAMSSIHB: But the deadline’s in 10 minutes and that Phish show starts in an hour, man.

SMGICSATS: K. K. OK. Uhh…

GWWAMSSIHB: Make the thing blue, change the font, and BOOM we’re done and rocking out to “Bouncing Around The Room” in like moments, man. Literally moments.

SMGICSATS: OK. OK. Uhhh, fuckin’ Helvetica…gotta keep the white line going throooough…

GWWAMSSIHB: Man, we got in two minutes.

SMGICSATS: Yeah, yeah…fuck…uh… (bong rip) FUCK. It looks the same, man.

GWWAMSSIHB: Whatever. Just dick with the laces or something. One minute and counting…

SMGICSATS: Soooo high right now. OK. OK. Laces…

Montgomery Biscuits - Southern League (2009)

Riley: Yes, sir. The naming board vetoed 23,897 other ideas before Biscuits eeked out Gunts by a two-vote margin.   

Ian: I actually thought this was a sentient stack of pancakes at first, even though I knew there was a minor league team called the Biscuits. This is a perfect example of trying too hard to tie in local commerce to your ballclub. There’s a Hyundai plant in Montgomery — maybe they should change the name to the Montgomery Elantras. (They still make the Elantra, right?)

Riley: They sure do. I took the liberty of designing a Montgomery Elantras logo (circa 2009), while trying to keep some elements of the aesthetic they appeared to be shooting for with the biscuit.