April 14th, 2013

Evan Gattis Is An Ogre With A Battle Axe

This is Evan Gattis’ two-run bomb off of Stephen Strasburg yesterday.

 The pitch: An 0-1, eye-high, 97 mph fastball from most peoples’ pick to win the NL Cy Young.

The swing: Explosive. I can’t help but think of Captain Caveman*.

*A far better nickname for Gattis than “El Oso Blanco” or whatever the hell they’re calling him in Atlanta.

 The velocity off the bat: 106.1 mph

The elevation angle: 29.1º

The distance: 426 feet

The verdict: Lumberjack beard? Check. No batting gloves? Check. Freakish levels of DadStrength™? Check. Lightning quick hands? Check. Fascinating back story? Check. Plays a position that you have to be an absolute lunatic to play (and genuinely seems to enjoy it)? Check. 

We’re in love.

April 5th, 2013

BONUS CONTENT: More Chris Davis Because WHOA

This is Chris Davis' three-run bomb off of Jeremy Hellickson on April 3rd.

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The pitch: A 3-2, 91 mph fastball ~2-3” off the plate.

The swing: Not as buttery smooth as usual. He loses his front side early, but keeps his hands back, and then … 

 The velocity off the bat: 108.4 mph

The elevation angle: 23.4º

The distance (horizontally): 422 feet. Oppo. With a sold out front side. 

The verdict: Chris Davis has superhuman strength and traps like an ox and the dreamiest eyes and he launches balls a long way to the opposite field even when he guesses wrong and it makes the front of our pants feel funny.

April 5th, 2013

Chris Davis Is Fine-Tuned Pile Of Deltoids

This is Chris Davis' three-run rainmaker off of Jake McGee on April 2nd.

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The pitch: A first pitch, letter-high, 91 mph fastball. AKA: A mistake.

The swing: Like this, but left-handed.

 The velocity off the bat: 102.1 mph

The elevation angle: 30.5º

The distance (horizontally): 396 feet

The distance (vertically): This ball broke through the roof of The Trop, bounced off the moon, burst into flames on its fall back to Earth, broke a second hole in the Trop’s roof, and landed in the right field bleachers as a smoldering pile of horsehide, wool and yarn.

The verdict: That is torque, my friends. And phenomenal brute strength. But also torque. Goddamn does he make it look effortless.

April 5th, 2013

Michael Morse Is A Hammer-Wielding Adonis

This is Mike Morse’s solo shot off of A.J. Griffin last night.

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The pitch: A 1-1 fastball that was six inches off the inside black and bearing in on his meathooks.

The swing: Like Thor swinging his hammer. Brute strength.


 The velocity off the bat: 107.9 mph

The elevation angle: 23.6º

The distance: 383 feet

The verdict: That’ s four bombs in four games for The Sea Beast, and as a result, the collective man crush that Productive Outs has on him has reached freakish levels. 

September 8th, 2012

Adam Jones Hit The Absolute Piss Out Of A Baseball Last Night

This is Adam Jones' three-run home run off of Phil Hughes last night.

The Pitch: An 0-0 flat, letter-high, four-seam fastball that couldn’t have been any more hittable unless it were on a tee.

The Swing: Compact, controlled and violent. Like an angry wild boar trapped in a phone booth. And jeez, watch his hands. Look at those hands! And those hips?! Swoon.

The Velocity Off The Bat: 110.1 mph

The Elevation Angle: 23.3º

The Distance: 442 feet

The Verdict: Home runs are the best. Home runs that come against the Yankees are better. Home runs that come against the Yankees in a Yankees loss are the bestest. In the immortal words of Meatloaf,  ”Two out of three ain’t bad.”

Two musicians who love baseball, but don't take it too seriously.


  • hermitologist HERMITOLOGY
  • teenarcher TEEN ARCHER