He hit the pissfarts out of a baseball.

THREE TRUE OUTCOMES!

Anyway … 

This is Mark Reynolds’ solo blast off of Jarrod Parker yesterday.

The pitch: A letter-high, 94-mph two-seamer right down the heart of the dish.

The swing: Eh, it’s on the awkward side, but it’s awfully effective. Chalk that up to his otherworldly HULK STRENGTH (especially in his lower half … HULK BUTT*?). I’m not a huge fan of the toe tap, because it’s a timing mechanism that can send several other parts of the swing awry when it’s not clicking. His left arm, bat plane and finish make it look like he’s casting a table cloth over a dining room table or throwing a frisbee, but HULK STRENGTH has the power to overcome wonky mechanics every now and then.

*It might sound weird, but I have a strong desire to see Mark Reynolds in shorts.

The velocity off the bat: 112.7 mph

The elevation angle: 28.7º

True distance: 457 feet

The verdict: He pimped the shit outta this blast*. Parker dosed Reynolds in his first AB, Reynolds was not pleased about it, and instead of charging the mound like a nameless steakheaded ogre from San Diego, he decided to settle the score like a man and hit the piss out of a baseball. A safe and effective alternative to player-on-player violence.

*It took Reynolds nearly 26 seconds to round the bases.

This is Miguel Cabrera’s solo shot off of Jose Cisnero yesterday.

The pitch: A 1-0, 79-mph, get-me-over curveball that hung for so you’d think it was sitting on a tee adjusted to lower thigh-level.

The swing: So frustratingly pretty, controlled and effective. He’s so freaking serene as the pitch is released. (It’s probably fairly easy to exude that sort of confidence when you have the ability to make playing an extremely difficult game look laughably easy.) It’s beautiful; a conservative little load, an efficient stride, a slight hitch of the hands before the left foot gets down, and holy crap … once that front foot gets down, just watch his freaking hands. That is 100% pure, uncut swingpr0n. And mmm, that extension and high finish. ‘Tis a glorious sight.  My favorite thing is that after all of this beauty and baseball destruction, Cabrera is just like, “Hmph. Crushed another one,” on his way to going 4-for-4 with 6 RBI.

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE.

The velocity off the bat: 105.6 mph

The elevation angle: 26.3º

True distance: 412 feet

The verdict: You might be wondering why I picked a bomb that was only hit 412 feet, in a band box of a ballpark, against a pitching staff that is awful at best. The answer to that, is the ease with which Cabrera does this. Sure, he can make fielding, running and staying out of trouble look difficult at times, but this is ridiculous. It’s even more ridiculous because he catches this pus off the end of the bat and still hits a laser off the Crawford Boxes.

This is Matt Holliday’s two-run blast off of Kyle Lohse yesterday.

The pitch: A 2-2, 93-mph Lohsian flat-brimmed sinker that ended up sitting middle-in and knee-high (which is not exactly the spot you want a pitch to end up when you’re facing a guy who looks like a ginormous real-life version of those old M.U.S.C.L.E figurines from the 80s.)

The swing: The thing I’m most fascinated by here (aside from the ungodly Home Run Tracker details you’re about to see) is this … 

That’s gorgeous. Firm front-side, great balance, beautiful extension, the right hand punching the inner-half of that ball, the head still and seeing it all and HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS GODDAMN ARMS.

Look at the size of all of him, actually. He’s like the pale Hulk. 

“The Pale Hulk”. That’s got a nice ring to it, no? Better than “Big Daddy”?

The velocity off the bat: 111.9 mph

The elevation angle: 22.9º

True distance: 458 feet*

*I guessed 460+. I figured a ball hit that hard, that bounced (hard, mind you) off the jumbotron signage at this point … 

… above a wall that is 400 feet from homeplate might have had a little more than a 458-foot jaunt in it’s flight plan, but I won’t argue with math.

Also, that baseball is dead.

The verdict: I love it when a hitter turns on one and hits to the pull field, but there is no swingpr0n that makes me more excited than seeing a guy stay back on a pitch, and crush the absolute shit out of it (420+) to dead center or the opposite field. This is indeed that. It’s freaky, rare, raw, stupid and goddamned incredible.

This is Mark Trumbo’s solo bomb off of Dan Straily yesterday.

 The pitch: A belt-high, middle-in, 91 mph, four-seam fastball.

The swing: Perfect. Nice quiet load, gets the front foot down and just unloads the hips and hands. His right hand goes at that baseball like he’s trying to punch it in the mouth. It’s a beautiful thing, and it’s just ridiculous, ridiculous power.

The velocity off the bat: 120.1 mph 

absolutely SWEET MOTHER OF F—

That’s the highest velocity of a home run this season by almost 3 mph, and the highest velocity since noted Destroyer Of Baseballs™ Giancarlo Stanton hit an absolute laser (off a guy who’s probably as old as your dad) and exploded the scoreboard in that acid flashback of a stadium in Miami last season.

The elevation angle: 20.6˚

True distance: 475 feet

The verdict: I’m not really sure you can hit a ball any harder than that ball is hit. After Trumbo murdered Straily’s offering, I spent a solid ten minutes watching the blast over and over, laughing maniacally, staring at my TV and basically doing this … 

This is Chris Davis’ solo shot off of Sean Doolittle yesterday.

The pitch: An 0-2, belt-high, 82 mph slider on the outside black.

The swing: Kinda like this … 

It looks like Davis gets fooled here (both in pitch type and location) and as a result, his hips and ass are gone by the time the ball gets into the hitting zone. And since his hips and ass are gone, he has to reeeach to get to out to a slider that on its way to becoming a backwards K in the scorebook. Getting that kind of plate coverage when your lower half is already on its way back to the bench is awfully hard … unless you drop a hand off the stick, cast that bat as wide as you can, flick your wrists, pack on 50+ lbs. of pure muscle and have elite hand-eye coordination. IT’S JUST THAT EASY! Results may include … 

The velocity off the bat: 104.3 mph

The elevation angle: 26.7º

The distance: 419 feet

The verdict: Ri-goddamn-diculous. We mentioned how frustratingly effortless Davis makes decimating a baseball appear in this post, and this is just further proof. He hit a ball into the second tank at O.co Coliseum with ONE FUCKING HAND and virtually no lower half.